Growing up Gay and Muslim.

Now that I’ve been out for a couple of years, using the phrase ‘coming out’ seems almost comical to me. Thinking back and remembering the overbearing emotions I felt at the time of being in the closet seems almost naïve and innocent to me. However, I remind myself that at that time it was my dark reality rather than the rite of passage that I see it as now and there are millions of people going through it at present and will continue to, through the cycles of generations, until is 100% normalized. Therefore adding my voice to the rainbow stained section of the Internet that is packed full of coming out stories is essential. Essential not only for LGBT persons struggling with identity but also for South Asian people for whom there very little representation and examples.

Very recently, Karan Johar (one of India’s biggest celebrities) has refused to verbally confirm his sexuality. I am totally on board with the individual right to maintain privacy but I just cant help but be slightly annoyed that a man with such public exposure cannot paint a positive light for the LGBT community in that part of the world. I don’t blame him. I blame the cultural attitude. South Asians are notorious in not holding back when it comes to shaming people. It’s still illegal in India and even talking openly about heterosexuality is enough to initiate a tidal wave of awkwardness. Unfortunately this attitude translates to Indians across the globe and to be frank…. I’ve had enough of it so I want it to be known that I am gay *cue overly dramatic gasps*.

I grew up in an Islamic household and as you’d imagine, it was a recipe for disaster from the get go. I came out the womb ready to be encompassed by an ideology that fundamentally believed people like me are to be immediately disenfranchised. Contrarily, I was surrounded by love and loved being a Muslim. I fasted, I prayed and I still believe but this was all because I was young and didn’t need to face the reality and impacts of being gay at that time. However, as I turned older each year, it was bittersweet as it meant I was a year closer to having to come to terms with who I was. It was when I turned 19 and realised I was entering a second year of being depressed that a few realizations hit me. God couldn’t be so cruel. There have been instances in my life where I feel I have been listened to and I stood in the lines of prayer at the mosque just like any other man. The priest reminded us all that we were all there because God wanted us to be, yet in the same sermon would indicate a homophobic message. This one of many direct contradictions priests made so often made me realise that they didn’t know God any more than I did. They’d never met him, don’t ultimately know if he exists or not and got their education of Islam from the same book we all read. Therefore he is no different of a man than I am and cannot speak any more on God’s behalf than I can. So if I, as do many other religious gay men, know that we didn’t choose our sexualities but still feel positively impacted by religion, then that is all I need to know to affirm to myself that being gay and having a faith can be completely synonymous. No other member of your faith can tell you otherwise and if they do, please read this paragraph to them. So ultimately, I do not associate myself with any religious community, as it would be detrimental to my esteem to be in an environment of constant judgement for simply being myself. I however maintain a belief in God but do not think he needs to be praised through ritualistic and specific practice. Yet, I maintain the utmost respect for Islam and every other faith and the devotions of its people and I so believe the new generation of Muslims are making small movements in understanding the LGBT community a lot more. I have met many Middle Eastern and Pakistani people who don’t think of it as taboo any longer, which is a small yet promising step for the future of LGBT rights across the world.

Also, in my opinion (although biased but correct), there is no need for ‘acceptance’ of LGBT people. It simply is what it is and it exists. When someone from their seat of heterosexual privilege proudly exclaims it is unnatural, just remember that they resemble the people of the past who we now ridicule for using religion or whatever false entitlement they had to condone slavery, colonialism and other inequalities. When in the closet, those words are extremely damaging to our self esteem because we feel the need to find our worth from everyone which includes these people but once you realise their opinion only ridicules themselves, you’re one step closer to coming out. You are who you are. You don’t need to change ‘opinions’ and you certainly don’t need approval and these are the thoughts I ran through my head before I ‘came out’ myself.

I’m very lucky because my parents and friends have wholeheartedly provided me support. My religious mother told me she was only upset because I kept it a secret from her for so long and she felt guilty that I couldn’t talk to her about such a pressing issue (as made by society) that I was dealing with. I didn’t hold her accountable, I reminded her that it wasn’t her fault, as I was made into thinking her faith was more important than me. I convinced myself that I couldn’t tell her but once I realised I could, I did. Once I came out to them, all the questions they had about my quiet, shy personality and previous bout of depression were answered. They understood me more than they ever had and I felt 100% closer to each and every one of them. It made us come together and realise that in such a watchful community we need to be more united than ever to set the precedence for not only ourselves but for change.